new beginnings

after ten years of off and on dating and three years of living together, i finally packed up and moved on. it was honestly one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. i never realized how much i depended on ryan to be there for me...even though he never really was. the thing about moving is that no matter how many times you have done it in your life, it never gets any easier. it is so final. you can never go back. while you think you are only packing up stuff to take from your old place to your new place, you are actually packing up your memories, hopes, and dreams. every day i wake up in MY new apartment, with MY pictures on the wall, and MY dishes in the sink. . . and though i am loving every minute of it, i can't help but be haunted by the times when MY stuff was just one part that belonged to an US. i kind of miss that feeling. or maybe i miss the IDEA of what the feeling would be if i actually allowed myself to feel. it's easy to fool yourself into being someone you are not when you never allow yourself to be who you are. but are you ever able to remove the masks after wearing them for so long? will the face you choose to show be the one you are willing to live with? before i even knew what happened, i had allowed my soul to crawl up into a ball and hide. i became someone i didn't even recognize. **NUMB** now, i am allowing my own fears and insecurities to swallow me whole. the disappointing part isn't that i'm allowing my fear to take over, but what i'm actually afraid of. not of being alone...or not living up to my life potential--i had overcome those concerns years ago. i'm afraid of allowing the true me be seen. the crier. the dreamer. the poet. the artist. the writer. the pretender. the bulimic. the cutter. the obsessive. the compulsive. the lover. the giver. the nurturer. the misunderstood. the scaredy-cat. the naive. the girl who loves to stand outside and be one with the wind...secretly praying to be carried away with every breeze. the nightly counter of the stars because i wish i were among them. the constant self-analyzer. the person i have always hoped to become...and the person i know i will never be able to be. the one person i'll never completely forgive. now is my time for new beginnings. i am now ready to present my unmasked face, free for the world to see, accept, and embrace. it is finally time to allow my soul to feel at ease...