Randomness!

Once upon a time, there was a 21-year-old girl. She was a dreamer and thinker...always wanting the world to be filled with beautiful, giddy-upedness...even though she knew it just would never be so. Instead of being distraught, however, the young hippy girl decided to write what she would later entitle "keeshaisms"...because they were words and thoughts she could tell herself to make everything seem better, even when it wasn't. Now at 32, the once young dreamer was rediscovering herself. She had realized that for way too many years, she had put her dreams and ideals on the back burner, while pushing to help those around her...who were sooo not worth it... reach their potential. One day, the woman sat down at her computer and opened an email entitled "Fwd: Green dog"...not because she was ever really into those new-age chain emails people sent out, but because it was from a dear friend and she was bored...when, much to her surprise, the words under the "Words to live by" were the exact same "keeshaisms" she had written when she was a mere dreamer of 21. "What the f...?" she thought, as she scrolled down the email, having her old words slap her in the face. "I never posted these sayings. Is this some type of a joke??" Quickly...well, as quickly as a 32-year-old can....she sprung up out of her computer chair, ran up the stairs, and found the original copy of the words and thoughts she had written down so many years ago. After several hours of googling her words and thoughts, she found at least whomever posted them on the slick without her knowing, did so without taking credit for them. The woman decided, with the forceful help of her sisee, to not allow what was rightfully hers float out in cyberspace without her name being attached to them. So, without further ado, here are her "Keeshaisms" aka "Words to Live By" written by Keesha Hall in May 2002, posted in true keesha fashion...:

1. i love you not because of who you are, but because of who i am when i am with you.
2. no man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4. a true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. the worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
6. never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. to the work you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. don't waste your time on a man/woman who isn't willing to waste his/her time on you.
9. maybe God wants to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful.
10. make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect to know you.
11. don't try so hard. the best things come when you least expect them to....

WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON....

and now you know....

Letting Go....

Letting go may be just as difficult to do as moving on. Why do we tend to hold on to things even after we no longer want them or need them. It is like this undying urge to see the people who wronged you be bitch slapped in the face by Karma. But why? Why do I need to know he is hurting and suffering and in pain? Because for the last three years that is how I felt. I want him to suffer for every tear I shed when he lied and cheated. I want him to suffer for every dollar I spent because he didn't have a job. I want him to know how it feels to have someone toy with his emotions and then tomorrow act like they no longer matter because someone else comes along. I want him to suffer for everything I had to put on hold in order to help him try to move ahead. There was always someone else. The interesting thing about the mind of a shady person is how quickly they can let go. If you spend your whole life lying and manipulating and cheating in order to get what you want, it is easy for you to jump from one place to the next. When you have to constantly put on a show...production...in order to have people think you are more than you are, because in essence you are absolutely nothing, it is easy for you to disregard the feelings of others. When you confuse love with having a place to stay and someone who will take care of you, then no wonder you can let go so quickly. Some people will always be content with being mediocre. They will always figure out a way to get what they want by hurting others. So, why do I find myself having such a hard time letting go? I know everything he does is for show and I know he will never truly be happy because he is unable to be happy by himself. It's not that I have so much to hold on to, but it is because the piece of me that he shattered is still longing to see him suffer, even though, let's face it....he will never be held accountable for what he has done to me or his kids or those before us...At least that is what it feels like. I know it is time to let go, because no matter how long I sit and wait, Karma doesn't work on my time or on my terms. I am only accountable for me. I can only change for me. I can only let go...for me. That is the think about Karma, once you finally decide you can let go of those who have held you back for so long, it will do the rest. And rather it is today or ten years from today, he will have to face all that Karma has to give him....and that piece of me that is longing to see him pay for his wrongs will just have to be satisfied with knowing one day it shall. But by then, it will no longer matter, because my soul will have let him go...

Moving on...what does that really mean? If you don't move on, then you stand in the same place....going nowhere. So, why do so many of us have such a hard time moving on? Three years ago, I met the man I thought I would be with forever. He said all the right things and made me laugh, something I really needed. I was his life, which was something I had never had before. He even wrote me a poem. I was happy. He was convinced from day one that we were meant to be. I was always hesitant and questioned how someone could be so sure of something so early. We all have our faults, right? And when you first meet someone, you don't always show them all the dirty little secrets you have tucked deep down in the crevices of your emotional closet. Before you know it, those dirty little secrets begin to creep their way out. People's true colors show. You begin to question just how much you are willing to take or even if the person you thought was so perfect for you is even worth fighting for. I stopped loving him because he stopped loving himself...and me. Compromises aren't meant to be one-sided and loving someone shouldn't bring your pain. So you tell yourself you are going to "move on" and put on a happy face because you are no longer allowing yourself to stay in that one place anymore. Until they meet someone else. And they begin to tell them all the things that were meant just for you. And even though you have "moved on" you find yourself hurting and remembering all the things that you once shared...now stuck again. So, here I am stuck in my own misery and despair, but why? In essence, I wasn't actually happy anymore. The person I met three years ago no longer existed. And quite frankly his "moving on" is nothing more than his feeble attempt to make me jealous or to find some comfort in his own sorry excuse for a life. Yet and still, I remain stuck...questioning myself and my ability to keep even the unworthy of men. Because he loved me like that once. He looked at me like that once. He wanted me like that once....Oh but what is this? She is a teacher, just like me. She works with special ed kids, just like me. She has a brother and a sister, just like me. She is just like me...except for not me, but now you love her? I can feel myself becoming unstuck....moving on....because I just realize why you love her so much and could "move on" so quickly. It's not because of her...but because she reminds you of me. So you didn't actually move on, you just found a version of me that was willing to accept the stuff from you that I wouldn't. And to tell the truth, since she is like me, she isn't going to want you, either....how's that for moving on?

New Year's Resolutions....

yet another year has come and gone. this has definitely been a year of eye-opening experiences. of course, as the old year comes to an end, we all look back over what we've done or wish we had done and make big plans to make it all better in the new year. but do we really? every year i say i am going to change so much within myself and blah, blah, blah....yet at the end of the year, i look back and realize i haven't made any real changes at all. i am still sitting in the same place that i was three years ago. no matter how much i want to hope things are going to change and this year is going to be that year, it is often so much easier said than done. so how does one actually make those new year resolutions reality? how do you make yourself go to the gym everyday instead of doing it hard for the first few months of the year before slowly allowing the excuses for not going overpower the reasons for going? how do you allow yourself to take that huge leap of faith that if you do make those changes, everything will work out the way it should? i guess when you have no other choice. i know this year is going to be different...because it has to be. changes can only be made if you really want them. i have had way too many years full of regret and disappointment....and way too many years full of tears and heartache. it's hard to move forward when you are constantly going backwards. i am ready to move forward. i am willing to throw myself completely on faith and know that God alone has a plan for my life...a plan greater than anything i could put in place for myself. i have allowed fear to guide me for way too long. it is time to move forward...for my sake, as well as malachi's.

i am not one for regrets. i made these choices, so i feel like i should live with them. but lately i find myself wondering what would have happened if i had taken the other road...almost wishing i would have. what if i had gone with my initial thought and walked out of the bookstore instead of through it? i would have never met ochea or be sitting here wondering what would have happened if i had gone down the other road. i wouldn't be broke or bitter or hoping for more. i wouldn't have to put my life on hold because i have a partner who is so wrapped up in his own. 

i'm tired. tired of trying to do the right thing. tired of getting the short end of the stick. tired of settling when i know i deserve more. i've spent the majority of my life settling for and putting up with a whole lot of shit i shouldn't have. 

i have become everything i never want to be. i have allowed myself to love too much...give too much...and be too much to people who never deserved any of me. now i am the one left with nothing, while they go on with their new lives and loves. i never was one to want bad things to happen to people. i have always tried to be a good, loving person, which, let's face it, is why i am in the situations i am in. whether i truly was in love with someone or not, i tried to make them feel like they were everything to me. in essence, this made me lose more and more of myself. the piscean in me doesn't allow me to be the person i truly sometimes wish i could be.