how much are you worth?

if i could point out one definite problem i have with myself, it would be that i have never quite realized my worth. i have always had the tendency to put others' feelings and needs above my own...whether they ultimately deserved it or not. i was with my ex-boyfriend on and off for ten years. i can't honestly say that i ever felt i was in love with ryan, but there were definitely things i loved about him. at least that is what i would tell myself every time i would put my feelings aside in order to make our relationship work. when we ended, i promised myself i would never, ever, EVER lose myself for the sake of someone again. in fact, i was pretty gung-ho about just avoiding the whole relationship thing all together. hell, if it doesn't exist then it can't hurt you, right? but here i am, in the same situation all over again. i admit that when i met ochea, i wasn't looking for nor wanting a relationship. he was different, though (or at least i thought). we always talked about how there just seemed to be something greater than ourselves that brought us together. i still feel that way. i'm not completely sure as to why we were brought together, but we were. i don't want to say that i regret allowing myself to be with ochea, but i wish i had done things differently.

for as long as i can remember, i have questioned myself as a person. no matter how much i do or how hard i try, i never feel i am quite as good a person as i could be. those close to me think i am foolish for thinking these thoughts about myself, but honest and truly, what makes you a great person? how do you know that the choices you make throughout your lifetime are enough to earn you that gold star? i think about all that i have done, especaiily for those i cared about, never because i wanted anything in return, just becasue i wanted to make them happy. that is the whole point of trying to be a good person, right? to get that warm and fuzzy feeling when you are able to make someone elses' life worth while? now i wonder, is it all worth it? because, let's face it, being a good person doesn't always pay off big in the end. hell, when it is my turn? for once, i want to be the person on the other side of the fence. i want someone to do for me as much as i do for them. i want to be selfish and not feel guilty about it. i want my pot of gold that is waiting underneath the rainbow.