how much are you worth?

if i could point out one definite problem i have with myself, it would be that i have never quite realized my worth. i have always had the tendency to put others' feelings and needs above my own...whether they ultimately deserved it or not. i was with my ex-boyfriend on and off for ten years. i can't honestly say that i ever felt i was in love with ryan, but there were definitely things i loved about him. at least that is what i would tell myself every time i would put my feelings aside in order to make our relationship work. when we ended, i promised myself i would never, ever, EVER lose myself for the sake of someone again. in fact, i was pretty gung-ho about just avoiding the whole relationship thing all together. hell, if it doesn't exist then it can't hurt you, right? but here i am, in the same situation all over again. i admit that when i met ochea, i wasn't looking for nor wanting a relationship. he was different, though (or at least i thought). we always talked about how there just seemed to be something greater than ourselves that brought us together. i still feel that way. i'm not completely sure as to why we were brought together, but we were. i don't want to say that i regret allowing myself to be with ochea, but i wish i had done things differently.

for as long as i can remember, i have questioned myself as a person. no matter how much i do or how hard i try, i never feel i am quite as good a person as i could be. those close to me think i am foolish for thinking these thoughts about myself, but honest and truly, what makes you a great person? how do you know that the choices you make throughout your lifetime are enough to earn you that gold star? i think about all that i have done, especaiily for those i cared about, never because i wanted anything in return, just becasue i wanted to make them happy. that is the whole point of trying to be a good person, right? to get that warm and fuzzy feeling when you are able to make someone elses' life worth while? now i wonder, is it all worth it? because, let's face it, being a good person doesn't always pay off big in the end. hell, when it is my turn? for once, i want to be the person on the other side of the fence. i want someone to do for me as much as i do for them. i want to be selfish and not feel guilty about it. i want my pot of gold that is waiting underneath the rainbow.

Oh blah dee, oh blah dah...

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about regrets. There was a time in my life when I felt everything I did I had control over, so there was nothing I could honestly say I regretted doing. Now, at thirty, I know I was completely full of shit. Looking back over the course of my life, I realize there is a lot I regret doing...or not doing for that matter...and that frightens me. Like so many great thinkers before me, I am constantly pondering the decisions that have led me to this point in my life. If I had chosen to go to a school up North instead of one down South, would I have enjoyed myself more? If I had followed my heart and tried out for the orchestra, would I be happier? If I had chosen to go to the Caribou instead of Borders, would I be sitting here writing a blog about regrets?

Are you crazy? Or just plain stupid?

Once again I find myself pondering about why I allow myself to be put in certain situations. Here it is 3 a.m., and I should laying comfortably in my bed, dreaming of my love affair with Idris Elba. Instead, I am up wondering why I do the things I do. My tale is like that of so many others: Girl meets boy. Boy charms girl. Girl and boy start a torrid affair (well..maybe not torrid, but we'll pretend for dramatic affect). Girl gets knocked up by boy. Girl and boy (but mainly girl) decide to keep baby and be a family. Boy feels neglected and seeks out attention from others who are not girl. Girl busts boy in several lies. Girl decides to dump boy. Boy vows to be faithful and honest to girl. Girl realizes she does love boy and takes boy back for the sake of unborn child. Girl gets hit with the reality that boy is still a boy. . .

I have never quite understood why people do the things they do. Here I am, studying to get my Ph.D in Psychology, and yet I still have no flippin' clue about the human mind. I grew up in a house where my parents loved us, but not so much each other. It was very obvious to my siblings and me from a very early age that some people are just not meant to be together. After my parents divorced when I was 14, I became fixated on the idea of marriage and relationships...ultimately wondering why the hell anyone would want to be a part of either. I get the whole companionship thing, but really, you can get just as much satisfaction from owning dogs and a vibrator (believe me, you will always have a loyal, non-judgmental ear, and a guarantee you'll always be satisfied). I found myself watching how couples interacted with each other, but never quite understood the big sha-bang. Why not? Because people are out for themselves. Being in a relationship doesn't change that. You get tired of dealing with the person you are with, you go out and find someone else. You get tired of living the married life, you get a divorce. You don't want to deal with your partner's nagging, you lie to shut them up. You are incapable of taking care of yourself, you find someone who is willing to do it for you. Any way you look at it, someone is definitely going to get screwed. So, again I'm left asking, what's the point? As momma always says, "You can do bad by yourself." Of course, if I truly believed this and wasn't actually a secret relationship wanter at heart, then I wouldn't be up at the butt crack of dawn, worrying about mine, right? I admit I'm a dreamer. Deep down past the wall of cynicism and doubt, there's a girl who wants to find the boy she can be with forever. She has faith that the person she's with will be her other half forever and will do everything in his power to make her feel loved and wanted and cared for. Unfortunately for me, she's the voice in my heart telling my head to stay even when I don't think I should. She's the one reminding me of how important it is for my son to grow up with his father, so I need to try to work on our family. I know, however, that eventually her voice will be softened by the festering ball of doubt building up inside of me. I, after all, am also a person who is concerned about myself. No matter how much she tells me to believe him, I can't see past all he has already done or stop thinking about all that he may do. I can't help but feel the betrayal and hurt each and every time the incident is replayed in my head. I can't help but question if I'm crazy or just plain stupid every time I look at him and know what he did. I can't help but wonder how many times he has said these same words to somebody else or thought about touching someone else the way he touches me. I can't help but ask myself if we will ever be able to move forward, if we continue to keep walking backwards. . .

disappointments and regrets

the older i get, the more i realize just how disappointing life can be. i have always thought of myself as a good person. there's no denying that i am nothing more than a dreamer. at 29, i still hope to wake up and be surrounded by love and the world full of peace. i still believe that if i try hard enough, i can be one of those people who can change the world...and am still disappointed when i can't. i try to find the good in everyone i meet, deep down hoping that even the most unworthy person will somehow surprise me. that is where i get myself in trouble. too often i am willing to overlook the things that i shouldn't. a year ago i decided it was time to move on from the ten-year relationship that i somehow convinced myself that i couldn't live without. even though i knew i didn't want to be there anymore, fear and comfortability kept me there, constantly fighting for something that was no longer there. once i had decided that i deserved more than what i was being given, i promised myself that i would never again forget MY worth. but here i am, repeating the same destructive cycle. i have been with my current boyfriend for six months. at first, he seemed like everything i always wanted. he made me laugh and smile and feel like i was the most beautiful woman in the world. not that he still doesn't do those things, but it seems the longer i am with him, the more i find out about who he really is. he's not the person i hoped he was. in every relationship you have to ask yourself how much you are willing to invest and ultimately, how much are you willing to live with. i found a note that he wrote about his ex-girlfriends...how they wanted to hook up soon and he needed to get a car soon and how he couldn't go wrong with either one of them...which lead me to the conclusion that he is utterly and totally full of shit. i'm not a doormat and i am not a pushover. after i found it, the struggle inside my head once again began. "am i overreacting?" "maybe is not what i think..." "he's an asshole and i don't need him. let someone else deal with this shit, i have my own life to live." even though i know what i need to do, i keep talking myself out of it. i don't want to start that again. i don't want to be with someone ten years from now who wasn't worth my time or energy or love. i've been down that road before. now i am filled with disappointment for all that could have been and regret for all that there was. **the search continues...**

new beginnings

after ten years of off and on dating and three years of living together, i finally packed up and moved on. it was honestly one of the hardest things i have ever had to do. i never realized how much i depended on ryan to be there for me...even though he never really was. the thing about moving is that no matter how many times you have done it in your life, it never gets any easier. it is so final. you can never go back. while you think you are only packing up stuff to take from your old place to your new place, you are actually packing up your memories, hopes, and dreams. every day i wake up in MY new apartment, with MY pictures on the wall, and MY dishes in the sink. . . and though i am loving every minute of it, i can't help but be haunted by the times when MY stuff was just one part that belonged to an US. i kind of miss that feeling. or maybe i miss the IDEA of what the feeling would be if i actually allowed myself to feel. it's easy to fool yourself into being someone you are not when you never allow yourself to be who you are. but are you ever able to remove the masks after wearing them for so long? will the face you choose to show be the one you are willing to live with? before i even knew what happened, i had allowed my soul to crawl up into a ball and hide. i became someone i didn't even recognize. **NUMB** now, i am allowing my own fears and insecurities to swallow me whole. the disappointing part isn't that i'm allowing my fear to take over, but what i'm actually afraid of. not of being alone...or not living up to my life potential--i had overcome those concerns years ago. i'm afraid of allowing the true me be seen. the crier. the dreamer. the poet. the artist. the writer. the pretender. the bulimic. the cutter. the obsessive. the compulsive. the lover. the giver. the nurturer. the misunderstood. the scaredy-cat. the naive. the girl who loves to stand outside and be one with the wind...secretly praying to be carried away with every breeze. the nightly counter of the stars because i wish i were among them. the constant self-analyzer. the person i have always hoped to become...and the person i know i will never be able to be. the one person i'll never completely forgive. now is my time for new beginnings. i am now ready to present my unmasked face, free for the world to see, accept, and embrace. it is finally time to allow my soul to feel at ease...

Relationships...

i was talking to my mom one night...as i do every night...about the pressures of wanting and finding that one person who totally completes you. being that neither one of us actually has much knowledge in the area of love and happiness, we really couldn't come up with why some people seem to find their perfect match...or what they would consider to be there perfect match...while so many others tend to settle for relationships because the thought of being alone is extremely terrifying. "keesha," she said to me, as i had officially decided love just wasn't in the books for me, "some times you meet the person you're meant to be with when and where you least expect it...like a gas station or something. just have FAITH." FAITH. for such a small word, it provides a powerful punch. being me, i am no stranger to having FAITH. i leap on it constantly and know i will be held and guided to where i need to be. in all areas, that is, except my love life. no matter how hard i tried or wanted or needed to allow my FAITH to help me let go of the baggage...hell, who am i kidding?...matching suitcase, carry-on, and wardrobe bag worth of issues that i have held on to forever... in order find the person who would help me experience true HAPPINESS. i thought i had found him...but ten years later, i woke up and realized in order to experience HAPPINESS you actually have to be...well, HAPPY. that i wasn't. not until now... if i shared with you the story of how we met, you would think i was lying. i never was one for the whole "i knew he/she was the one from the moment i saw him/her" bullshit so many throw out to the oprahs and dr. phils of the world. that stuff never actually happens to us common folk any more than some poor, homeless working mother of five winning the lottery. but, still, the hope is always there. the moment i met him, i knew we would be connected for life. he is my mary poppins...the list i made, sang about, tore, and threw in the fireplace was recreated in the form of him. in his eyes i see my past, present, and future...and i am okay with that. more than okay...excited, even. every love song was written for him. i no longer hope to find my true soulmate...i know i already have. for the first time in 28...dare i say it, almost 29 years... i am convinced fairy tales weren't written just to peak the sense of hope in their readers, but to help us realize that having FAITH ultimately will lead to a happily ever after...