i'm tired. tired of trying to do the right thing. tired of getting the short end of the stick. tired of settling when i know i deserve more. i've spent the majority of my life settling for and putting up with a whole lot of shit i shouldn't have. 

i have become everything i never want to be. i have allowed myself to love too much...give too much...and be too much to people who never deserved any of me. now i am the one left with nothing, while they go on with their new lives and loves. i never was one to want bad things to happen to people. i have always tried to be a good, loving person, which, let's face it, is why i am in the situations i am in. whether i truly was in love with someone or not, i tried to make them feel like they were everything to me. in essence, this made me lose more and more of myself. the piscean in me doesn't allow me to be the person i truly sometimes wish i could be.

Again...

i recently watched "Why Did I Get Married" by tyler perry. now, i have never been a big tyler perry fan, mainly because i am not such a huge fan of his house of paine television show. but i heard the movie was worth watching, so i decided to give it a swirl. i was presently surprised...and intrigued. in the movie, seven married couples go on a retreat to work on their relationships. each marriage was full of lies or cheating or a combination of both. for one couple in particular, the situation really hit home. the man was cheating on his wife because she was no longer physically what he craved. even though he wasn't perfect himself, he chose to step out with someone he found to be more attractive...even though she had absolutely nothing to offer him except sex. his wife was supportive and loving and loyal...did any and everything he wanted, even though he treated her like shit. now, my case isn't quite that severe, but it has some similarity.

the definition of insanity...

looking back on my life these past few years, there are definitely things i am totally ecstatic about, as well as some i actually regret. i never thought i would be a mother. i was with ryan for ten years and it never even "accidentally" happened. so of course, i figured i was just one of those women who would never be able to experience the joys and aches of being a parent. but here i am at thirty with the most precious son in the world. not to sound cliche, but i honestly can't remember what my life was like before he arrived. i look at him and know my life has purpose. he is my joy. my happiness. after having him, i realized i had been searching for happiness in all the wrong things. getting higher degrees have only left me with a lot of debt. friendships come and go. men...well, men have proven to be more of heartache than they are worth. but my son, he is what i look forward to seeing every morning when i wake up. when my life feels lonely and full of despair, he is the one i think of to make my heart fill with joy. he makes me want to be a better me, so i can see him learn and grow. he truly completes me. i used to think it was ryan or ochea...but they were just people who contributed to my life. after being with ochea for two years, he cheated on me with someone he only knew for three days. after the whole thing went down, he told me that he was in love with her. in love with someone he only knew for a minute and he couldn't live without either of us. of course being the first class snoop i am, i found out who this chick was and what she looked like. i guess in my head, i wanted her to be this grand and wonderful looking being. someone who was prettier and smarter and had more to offer than i. but all i found was disappointment. she wasn't prettier or smarter or anything more than i. she was just some girl who was just like him...nothing. my sister made the point of reminding me that when ochea and i first met, he thought he was in love with me after talking to me for only a month. of course, i knew this was bullshit, but because of how it happened, i thought that maybe it was possible. maybe this was the man i was actually supposed to be with for the rest of my life. but nothing is ever what it seems. he wants someone who is more physical compatible and makes him forget about his responsibilities and accepts his flaws effortlessly. that is easy to do when you don't know someone. it doesn't matter who has stood by you through all the shit. who has stood by you when you have gotten fired from every job you have had. who has stood by you every time you went to jail over something you could have settled a long time ago. who has stood by you when you were so depressed that you tried to end it all...over and over again. who has tried to show you your potential even when she should have let you find it on your own. who stands by waiting for you to be the man i hope...no, knows....my son will grow to become, with or without you. but because you had fun with her and she lets you deal with stuff in your own way, she is your soulmate? just like me before her and tracy before me and e'lisha before her and denise before her....i do know what i have to do. life is too short for me to worry about things i cannot change (GRANT ME THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE). i can only have the COURAGE to change what i can, which is me. the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. i gave and gave to ryan, thinking he would one day grow up and change. he didn't...(and now he has a whole lot of stuff i did for him to use with someone else). i see myself doing the same thing with ochea with the same result. in the words of susan powter, it is time to "stop the insanity!" life is way too short for me to waste it on someone who can't appreciate what he has. if he thinks he can find happiness with someone else, then by all means he should go right ahead. God has more planned for me and my son. for me, the insanity stops here....