New Year's Resolutions....

yet another year has come and gone. this has definitely been a year of eye-opening experiences. of course, as the old year comes to an end, we all look back over what we've done or wish we had done and make big plans to make it all better in the new year. but do we really? every year i say i am going to change so much within myself and blah, blah, blah....yet at the end of the year, i look back and realize i haven't made any real changes at all. i am still sitting in the same place that i was three years ago. no matter how much i want to hope things are going to change and this year is going to be that year, it is often so much easier said than done. so how does one actually make those new year resolutions reality? how do you make yourself go to the gym everyday instead of doing it hard for the first few months of the year before slowly allowing the excuses for not going overpower the reasons for going? how do you allow yourself to take that huge leap of faith that if you do make those changes, everything will work out the way it should? i guess when you have no other choice. i know this year is going to be different...because it has to be. changes can only be made if you really want them. i have had way too many years full of regret and disappointment....and way too many years full of tears and heartache. it's hard to move forward when you are constantly going backwards. i am ready to move forward. i am willing to throw myself completely on faith and know that God alone has a plan for my life...a plan greater than anything i could put in place for myself. i have allowed fear to guide me for way too long. it is time to move forward...for my sake, as well as malachi's.

i am not one for regrets. i made these choices, so i feel like i should live with them. but lately i find myself wondering what would have happened if i had taken the other road...almost wishing i would have. what if i had gone with my initial thought and walked out of the bookstore instead of through it? i would have never met ochea or be sitting here wondering what would have happened if i had gone down the other road. i wouldn't be broke or bitter or hoping for more. i wouldn't have to put my life on hold because i have a partner who is so wrapped up in his own.