disappointments and regrets

the older i get, the more i realize just how disappointing life can be. i have always thought of myself as a good person. there's no denying that i am nothing more than a dreamer. at 29, i still hope to wake up and be surrounded by love and the world full of peace. i still believe that if i try hard enough, i can be one of those people who can change the world...and am still disappointed when i can't. i try to find the good in everyone i meet, deep down hoping that even the most unworthy person will somehow surprise me. that is where i get myself in trouble. too often i am willing to overlook the things that i shouldn't. a year ago i decided it was time to move on from the ten-year relationship that i somehow convinced myself that i couldn't live without. even though i knew i didn't want to be there anymore, fear and comfortability kept me there, constantly fighting for something that was no longer there. once i had decided that i deserved more than what i was being given, i promised myself that i would never again forget MY worth. but here i am, repeating the same destructive cycle. i have been with my current boyfriend for six months. at first, he seemed like everything i always wanted. he made me laugh and smile and feel like i was the most beautiful woman in the world. not that he still doesn't do those things, but it seems the longer i am with him, the more i find out about who he really is. he's not the person i hoped he was. in every relationship you have to ask yourself how much you are willing to invest and ultimately, how much are you willing to live with. i found a note that he wrote about his ex-girlfriends...how they wanted to hook up soon and he needed to get a car soon and how he couldn't go wrong with either one of them...which lead me to the conclusion that he is utterly and totally full of shit. i'm not a doormat and i am not a pushover. after i found it, the struggle inside my head once again began. "am i overreacting?" "maybe is not what i think..." "he's an asshole and i don't need him. let someone else deal with this shit, i have my own life to live." even though i know what i need to do, i keep talking myself out of it. i don't want to start that again. i don't want to be with someone ten years from now who wasn't worth my time or energy or love. i've been down that road before. now i am filled with disappointment for all that could have been and regret for all that there was. **the search continues...**