Are you crazy? Or just plain stupid?

Once again I find myself pondering about why I allow myself to be put in certain situations. Here it is 3 a.m., and I should laying comfortably in my bed, dreaming of my love affair with Idris Elba. Instead, I am up wondering why I do the things I do. My tale is like that of so many others: Girl meets boy. Boy charms girl. Girl and boy start a torrid affair (well..maybe not torrid, but we'll pretend for dramatic affect). Girl gets knocked up by boy. Girl and boy (but mainly girl) decide to keep baby and be a family. Boy feels neglected and seeks out attention from others who are not girl. Girl busts boy in several lies. Girl decides to dump boy. Boy vows to be faithful and honest to girl. Girl realizes she does love boy and takes boy back for the sake of unborn child. Girl gets hit with the reality that boy is still a boy. . .

I have never quite understood why people do the things they do. Here I am, studying to get my Ph.D in Psychology, and yet I still have no flippin' clue about the human mind. I grew up in a house where my parents loved us, but not so much each other. It was very obvious to my siblings and me from a very early age that some people are just not meant to be together. After my parents divorced when I was 14, I became fixated on the idea of marriage and relationships...ultimately wondering why the hell anyone would want to be a part of either. I get the whole companionship thing, but really, you can get just as much satisfaction from owning dogs and a vibrator (believe me, you will always have a loyal, non-judgmental ear, and a guarantee you'll always be satisfied). I found myself watching how couples interacted with each other, but never quite understood the big sha-bang. Why not? Because people are out for themselves. Being in a relationship doesn't change that. You get tired of dealing with the person you are with, you go out and find someone else. You get tired of living the married life, you get a divorce. You don't want to deal with your partner's nagging, you lie to shut them up. You are incapable of taking care of yourself, you find someone who is willing to do it for you. Any way you look at it, someone is definitely going to get screwed. So, again I'm left asking, what's the point? As momma always says, "You can do bad by yourself." Of course, if I truly believed this and wasn't actually a secret relationship wanter at heart, then I wouldn't be up at the butt crack of dawn, worrying about mine, right? I admit I'm a dreamer. Deep down past the wall of cynicism and doubt, there's a girl who wants to find the boy she can be with forever. She has faith that the person she's with will be her other half forever and will do everything in his power to make her feel loved and wanted and cared for. Unfortunately for me, she's the voice in my heart telling my head to stay even when I don't think I should. She's the one reminding me of how important it is for my son to grow up with his father, so I need to try to work on our family. I know, however, that eventually her voice will be softened by the festering ball of doubt building up inside of me. I, after all, am also a person who is concerned about myself. No matter how much she tells me to believe him, I can't see past all he has already done or stop thinking about all that he may do. I can't help but feel the betrayal and hurt each and every time the incident is replayed in my head. I can't help but question if I'm crazy or just plain stupid every time I look at him and know what he did. I can't help but wonder how many times he has said these same words to somebody else or thought about touching someone else the way he touches me. I can't help but ask myself if we will ever be able to move forward, if we continue to keep walking backwards. . .