It's hard being in a relationship with someone when you know they have doubts you are the one. At least it is for me. Ryan and I have known each other since we were thirteen and have been dating, on and off, since we were freshmen in college. Here's the short version: It was never a "love at first sight" situation, but one of those "we were friends who turned into something more." When we first started dating, I figured we wouldn't last too long. We were too different. Yet, his devotion towards me was enough for me. He gave me what I needed: companionship. I grew dependant on his being there, even though we were in two different states. So, when he joined his fraternity and the little time we did have together was now devoted to other things, I couldn't deal...and we split. Three years later, we rekindled our friendship and fell back into old patterns. Two years later, he moved to Atlanta and we moved in together. Of course, after so many years and so much history, I assumed this was it...the thing that every girl wants...a real commitment from the guy I loved. But here we are, no step closer to being totally committed than we were eight years ago. Why? Because he isn't sure that I am the one. So, where do we stand now? Even though we are no longer on "a break", I feel we may as well be. No matter what is said, I know that he would rather be out, doing his thing, finding his feelings. It's as if we are going through the motions until his "someone better" comes along. I wish that I could make his doubts go away, but how can I? I can't stop him from wondering what he is missing out on. That's one of the mysteries of life even I find myself wading through from time to time. No matter how much you love someone, right? Why can't men be more like my dog. I received Borealis as a Christmas present a year ago. She had been neglected and abused by her previous owner. I could see the pain every time I looked at her. She wouldn't eat or play...afraid that if she opened herself up even a little, she would be prone to having her already weak soul diminished. In that way, she reminded me a lot of myself. The difference was, she eventually did open herself up, something I still find hard to do. She allowed herself to trust me and love me unconditionally. Even now, she doesn't care if I am sick or down, she is right there...showering me with kisses and keeping me safe. Every morning, she looks mournfully as I drive away for work and every afternoon she greets me with wild enthusiasm as I walk into the apartment. Every day it's the same way. She makes sure that I know that no matter what I feel or go through or look like, she wants to be there with me. That's what I want from my partner...the sense of knowing that no matter what I am feeling or going through or looking like, he wants to be there...through it all...with me...and only me. Maybe that is idealistic of me...definitely a quality that I have been known to possess...always seeing the world the way I wish it could be instead of settling on how it actually is. But, hell, isn't that what all great thinkers do?...